The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis is brilliant when he uses his fiction to embody Truth. The Great Divorce details the myriad ways those who reject Christ construct their own personal hells and why they would do so. Lewis makes clear at the beginning his disdain for universalism, or that all roads lead to Heaven. In fact life's paths are not a circle leading inexorably to Heaven, but are a tree, leading further away from the Good, unless set back on the right path. "But what, you ask, of earth? Earth, I think, will not be found by anyone to be in the end a very distinct place. I think earth, if chosen instead of Heaven, will turn out to have been, all along, only a region in Hell: and earth, if put second to Heaven, to have been from the beginning a part of Heaven itself." (p. IX)

The story begins with the narrator in gray town, confused about where he is and what is happening. He soon finds himself on a bus with several disagreeable people on the way to, well he's not exactly sure. After traveling up for some time,  they finally alight in a beautiful, green country. "Then, suddenly we were at rest. Everyone had jumped up. Curses, taunts, blows, a filth of vituperation, came to my ears as my fellow-passengers struggled to get out." (p. 19)

As he journeys into the unknown country, he is able to observe the interactions of his fellow passengers with the residents of this heavenly land. It soon becomes clear that the passengers are ghost-like, ethereal and unable to handle the reality of the new place. Simply walking on the grass is painful as the blades pierce the airy feet. Lewis uses these various encounters to point out the myriad ways in which we prefer our sin (and hell) to the promise of life, if life means letting go. 

We first meet a "Big Man" or Big Ghost as the case may be. He has lived a good life, under his own strength, and he is surprised to meet a Solid person whom he knew in life to be a murderer. Of course this makes no sense, that a "good man" should be living "down there" in Grey Town, while a murderer lives in paradise. After demanding the same rights as the solid, Len, he is told, "Oh no. It's not so bad as that. I haven't got my rights, or I should not be here. You will not get yours either. You'll get something far better. Never fear." (p. 28) Of course this kind of nonsense makes no dent on the Big Ghost.

Next we overhear a modern, religious fellow who meets a shining spirit who apparently "became rather narrow-minded towards the end of [his] life." (p. 34) The heavenly guide tries in vain to convince his friend that his liberal beliefs were wrong, and not even honestly attained. They came as a result of "writing the kind of essays that got good cards and saying the kind of thing that won applause." (p. 37) But the intellectual simply cannot bring himself to believe that there are any definitive answers in regards to spiritual questions, despite the evidence right in front of him. For him the mental aerobics overwhelmed any desire to discover truth. Yet he declares it a "stimulating and provocative" conversation, and says good-bye. (p. 44)

While heading off to explore more, the narrator sees a ghost, who came determined to plunder the heavenly riches so as to make a killing back in Grey Town, try to steal a golden apple. The ghost's lack of gravitas, and the sheer reality of the apple combine to make the task impossible. Yet he will not desist. The last we see of him shows him bracing himself anew for the agony and continuing on. 

We next run into a "Hard-Bitten Ghost." This man see through everything. It's all a scam. There's nothing truly new or interesting. He even dismisses Heaven. "That's their little joke, you see. First of all tantalize you with ground you can't walk on and water you can't drink and then drill you full of holes [with rain]. But they won't catch me that way." (p. 56) Soon, he too goes off, presumably towards the bus and a return trip to Gray Town. 

Soon, we encounter a female Ghost, running as best as she is able, from a Spirit. Although the Spirit assures her that the pain will dramatically lessen the further into the country they go, towards the mountain, the woman will have none of it. She simply cannot bare to be seen in the state she is in. Her vanity will not allow it. "'Friend,' said the Sprit, 'Could you, only fora moment, fix your mind on something not yourself?'" Apparently she cannot. 

Deep in confusion, our narrator meets George MacDonald, the Scottish author and minister. He promises to answer the questions and provide some clarity on what we are witnessing. He explains that we are watching the damned on holiday. They are given an opportunity to make a different choice. Should they relinquish their sin, they can stay in the heavenly abode. Sadly, few choose to do so. To our narrator's ears, this sounds heretical. Yet, as MacDonald tells it, the choice to stay or go only confirms a choice already made. For those that return to hell, their life, even on Earth, was always Hell. For those who choose to stay here in the heavenly foyer, "The Valley of the Shadow of Life," and move towards Heaven itself, all of life will have been Heaven, including the time spent in Gray Town. Now quite confused, our man asks, "'Well sir,' I said, 'That also needs explaining. What do they choose, these souls who go back (I have yet seen no others)? And how can they choose it?'" (p. 71) It is at this point that we learn, "There is always something they insist on keeping even at the price of misery. There is always something they prefer to joy... There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom god says in the end, 'Thy will be done.' All that are in Hell choose it." (p. 71) Suddenly the narrator realizes how the Ghosts, not only do not want to live in Heaven, they want to bring Hell into Heaven. Conscious of their own decay, they sought to spread it and destroy whatever good they believed they could not have. He watched them "spit and giver out in one ecstasy of hatred their envy and (what is harder to understand) their contempt, of joy. They voyage seemed to them a small price to pay if once, only once, within sight of the at eternal dawn, they could tell the prigs, the toffs, the sanctimonious humbugs, the snobs, the 'haves', what they thought of them." (p. 82)

At the end of this conversation, the ghost of a famous artist appears. He, too, will return to Grey Town. The thought of giving up his fame and reputation is simply too much. Never mind that he is "already completely forgotten on Earth." (p. 87)

Suddenly another conversation resounds and we are shown a woman arguing with her mother-in-law. Apparently in life, her husband, Robert, had failed to live up to her ever expanding expectations. Despite all her hard work and nagging, she completely failed to make much of the man. Even worse, she was shown no gratitude. Eventually alighting on the perfect plan, take Robert away somewhere and finally make a man of him, she rages, "'I want Robert. What right have you to keep him from me? I hate you. How can I pay him out if you won't let me have him.'" (p. 95) Having towered up "like a dying candle flame" she snaps suddenly and is no more. (p. 95)

Next we encounter a most painful meeting. A woman has met her brother, but is disappointed that it is not her son sent to greet her. Her son died at a young age, and she is distraught at the separation. Unfortunately her love had consumed her. "The instinct was uncontrolled and fierce and monomaniac... The only remedy was to take away its object. It was a case for surgery." (p. 100) This mother's sin was her all-consuming identification as a mother. Ultimately her love was too small. She could not truly love her son because she could not truly love anyone. 

As they walk on, they encounter a Ghost with a lizard on his shoulder. Unfortunately the foul-mouthed creature won't keep quiet and it's clear he won't do in this heavenly place. Therefore the Ghost has decided to return home. At that moment a flaming Spirit appears offering to kill the lizard. There ensues a struggle as the Ghost begs the angel to deal with the beast in a more humane manner. Finally, there is an agreement to kill the thing. The pain of the flames sear the Ghost, but soon both he, and the lizard are reborn: He as a Solid person and the lizard as a beautiful stallion. Together they gallop off to the mountain. An epiphany ensues as our narrator realizes that if any of the Ghosts will but submit that which is holding them back, it will be reborn as something beautiful. 

Hearing a river, the two proceed towards that and find themselves in the middle of a grand procession. Clearly a person of grand importance is being escorted through the land. Almost unknown on Earth, Sarah Smith of Golders Green has attained particular glory in this celestial land. She, however, is coming to meet her Ghostly husband. We are first introduced to a giant Tragedian with a tiny man on a string. However, it soon becomes clear that it is the dwarf keeping the giant on a chain. The giant is, in fact, a type of ventriloquist's dummy, a facade created to impress. Sarah Smith implores the little man to let it go, to be his real self. Unfortunately he cannot let go of his sense of victimhood and betrayal. He simply MUST demand pity. Sarah begs him, "Stop it. Stop it at once...[Stop] using other people's pity, in the wrong way. We have all done it a bit on earth, you know. Pity was meant to be a spur that drives joy to the help misery. But it can be used the wrong way round. It can be used for a kind of blackmailing. Those who choose misery can hold joy up to ransom, by pity." (p. 131)

After the pair, consumed by their misery, simply disappear, Sarah continues on her merry path. This discordant note strikes our man as somehow wrong. 

'Is it really tolerable that she should be untouched by his misery, even his self-made misery?'

'Would ye rather he still had the power of tormenting her? He did it many a day and many a year in their earthly life.'

'Well, no. I suppose I don't want that.'

'What then?'

'I hardly know, Sir. What some people say on Earth is that the final loss of one soul gives the lie to all the joy of those who are saved.'

'Ye see it does not.'

'I feel in a way that it ought to.'

'That sounds very merciful: but see what lurks behind it.'

'What?'

'The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven.' 

'I don't know what I want, Sir.' 

'Son, son, it must be one way or the other. Either the day must come when joy prevails and all the makers of misery are no longer able to infect it: or else for every dn ever the makers of misery can destroy in others the happiness they reject for themselves. I know it has a grand sound to say ye'll accept no salvation which leaves even one creature in the dark outside. But watch that sophistry or ye'll make a Dog in a Manger the tyrant of the universe.' (p. 135)

Wondering why the Spirits couldn't venture to Grey Town to make their case, MacDonald explains that they are too large and would never fit. This confuses our author until MacDonald leads him to a tiny crevice in the ground. That, he explains, is where you will find Hell. Astonished at the thought of this, the narrator details the long journey it took to arrive in Heaven. Apparently the entire journey was simply becoming big enough to experience it. But it felt infinite. "And yet all loneliness, angers, hatreds, envies and etchings that it contains, if rolled into a single experience and put into the scale against the least moment of the joy that is felt by the least in Heaven, would have no weight that could be registered at all." (p. 138) For the damned are not just tiny, they are less than nothing, so shut up as they are. "Only the Greatest of all can make Himself small enough to enter Hell." (p. 139)

This book is such a joy to read. It encapsulates so much theology and so much mystery in a way that it easy to read and yet plummets the depth of thought. It convicted me as I declare my self-centered love and demand the pity of others. I cannot wait to tell C.S. Lewis, face-to-face, of the joy his little book brought me. 

Mathematics for Human Flourishing by Francis Su

 

The school where I teach asked the teachers to read Mathematics for Human Flourishing by Francis Su over the summer and come prepared to discuss it at the beginning of the school year. Contrary to popular belief, the summer can be a   very busy time for teachers. We have much to do to prepare for the upcoming year and this summer was certainly no exception. 

I was finally able to sneak it in at the end of summer (while floating in my pool of course). I'm glad I did. It's a wonderful and inspiring read. At one time in my life (high school) I enjoyed math and was pretty good at it. College cured me of that. However, this book helped rekindle the joy I used to feel playing with numbers and unlocking their secrets. 

Su begins the book with a correspondence from a prison inmate, Christopher Jackson, who has discovered a love of mathematics. He reached out to Su to gain insight and share in their mutual love of mathematics. The conceit works as Su repeatedly returns to the letters and we are updated with the prisoner's progress, both legally and mathematically. 

Su also intersperses small math puzzles. This call for a pause now and again to really get down to the business of thinking and pondering patterns. Between the letters, the puzzles, and Su's conversational tone, the book is actually light and easy, and wonderfully refreshing despite it's intimidating subject matter. It reminds me a bit of Auguste Gusteau, the renowned and extremely talented chef from the movie Ratatouille, who wrote the bestseller "Anyone Can Cook". Su believes anyone can love mathematics. 

The beauty of Su's book begins in the table of contents. Each chapter is dedicated to a virtue embodied in the study of mathematics: "flourishing," "exploration," "meaning," "play," "beauty," "permanence," "truth," "struggle," "power," "justice," "freedom," "community," and, of course, "love."

In "flourishing," Su begins with the proposition that, "Every being cries out silently to be read differently." (p.2) By this he means that humans want to be understood and "read." Seen. Appreciated. Su makes the radical claim the mathematics leads to the flourishing necessary for humans to be truly understood. "Human flourishing refers to a wholeness—of being and doing, of realizing one's potential and helping others do the same, of acting with honor and treating others with dignity, of living with integrity even in challenging circumstances...The well-lived life is a life of human flourishing." (p. 10) Su believes that math can build aspects of our character and habits of mind that allow us to live lives as fully-formed humans, truly enjoying what life has to offer.

Chapter 2, "exploration," describes "mathematical exploration [as] very much like space exploration, but of a different kind of space—a space of ideas." (p. 22) Like exploring the physical world, mathematicians don't know where they will end up when they start out. They test theories, become "captivated by mystery,  motivated by questions, undeterred by setbacks." (p. 23) Exploration further cultivates imagination and the "expectation of enchantment." (p. 29) Su reminds us that anyone "born with the human capacities to inquire and to reason" can be an explorer. (p. 31) He urges the reader to dream, knowing "imaginative, creative, and unexpected enchantments await." (p. 31)

Next Su describes the way in which mathematics inculcates "meaning." Just as words develop over time and gain an inherent richness, number, which are very abstract, can grow richer with use. Searching for meaning in any context builds other virtues: story-telling, thinking abstractly, persistence, and contemplation. Su summarizes the main idea of the chapter with, "Mathematics is the science of patterns and the art of engaging the meaning of those patterns." (p. 44)

In chapter 4, "play," Su does the seeming impossible and seeks to describe math as a playground. His lighthearted and optimistic tone to this part makes a chapter called, "play" seem almost credulous. Su describes "play" as fun, voluntary, meaningful, structured freedom, exploration, and imagination. For Su, mathematics, done properly, can embody all these characteristics. "Play" in math begins with pattern exploration and used inductive reasoning in reaching conclusions. But math requires the student to then move into deductive reasoning, which can include proof by contradiction or proof by induction. Which should, ideally, lead to more questions to explore. Math play can lead to virtues like hopefulness, curiosity, and concentration, as well as confidence. 

Su moves on to describe the "beauty" found in math. Mathematical beauty manifests itself in four ways. The first is sensory beauty. This is the kind of beautiful patterns that can been experienced with the senses like ripples in the sand or fractal patterns in nature. The second kind is wondrous beauty. This is the awe felt at the idea expressed within mathematics, like E = mc2. Even the idea of mathematical constants, like the speed of light, can inspire this kind of wondrous awe. Next is insightful beauty. This involves communication and refers to simple, insightful proofs that are simply beautiful to hear and read. Finally, there is transcendent beauty. "Transcendent beauty arises when one moves from the beauty of a specific object, idea, or reasoning to a greater truth of some kind—perhaps an insight that reveals its deep significance, or a deep connection to there known ideas." (p. 79) This kind of beauty sees math as speaking directly into what it means to be human.

Math also teaches "permanence." Humans naturally seek the permanent things, and math, by its very nature involves permanence. Whether it is in constants, or invariants, math continuously reminds us that some things never change. Math gives humans fixed points. Humans "seek permanence because it is a refuge, a yardstick, and a foothold. But that does not fully capture why this is such a deeply embedded human longing." (p. 97) Su believes all of this is actually a desire to answer the question, "Who can I trust?" "Trust is at the heart of a desire for permanence." (p. 97)

One of the deepest desires humans have is for "truth." In fact, only oppressive societies seek to suppress the truth. It is necessary for human flourishing. Su defines truth as a statement that aligns with reality. He sidesteps all the philosophical questions about "reality" and sticks to a common sense definition. Math completely fails if its answers are not true. In fact, the common refrain, "Check your work." is a bane too many a student. But if we are taught to appreciate the beauty of truth and therefore the beauty of deeply questioning mathematical solutions to discover if they do, in fact, comport with reality, we can learn to appreciate the truth embodied in mathematics. As mathematicians engage in "the quest for deep knowledge and deep investigation," other virtues are built, among them the thirst for knowledge and circumspection, and intellectual humility. 

Anyone who has ever studied math knows it also invariably involves "struggle." However, struggles are a necessary component of what it means to be human. We struggle through suffering, to achieve, and to grow. And if humans are to flourish, we must grow, therefore we must struggle. Su makes the point that while many may be tempted to cheat and bypass the struggle, working through a difficult problem can have fantastic ramifications for human flourishing. 

Math gives students a sense of power as they learn "unlock and expand" the innate capacity for reason (p. 129). We gain power over things, power to direct or influence, power to make stuff, and power to make sense. While power can be used for ill, math opens up the possibilities of "creative power" which can amplify the power to do good. We can amplify others' ability to make more stuff and make more sense. Creative power leads to  a "humble, sacrificial, encouraging character with a heart of service and a resolve to unleash creativity in others." (p. 143) All from diving deeply into mathematics.

Justice is better served with a study of mathematics. Su describes two kinds of justice: primary justice and rectifying justice. The first seeks to make right relationships. The second is needed when the first fails. "Rectifying justice is spotting something wrong and trying to make it right." (p. 150) This is right up the alley of a mathematician. Unfortunately Su describes myriad ways that the study of math has been unjust. Often people are thought incapable of succeeding because they do not meet a predetermined stereotype of someone who is "good at math." The field is ripe for rectifying justice.

One of humanity's core values is freedom. According to Su, math provides five essential freedoms: the freedom of knowledge, the freedom to explore, the freedom of understanding, the freedom to imagine, and the freedom of welcome. (p. 167) The freedom of knowledge is best illustrated when a student realizes multiple ways of attacking a problem. Previously he knew only one way and didn't know what he didn't know. Math gave him freedom of knowledge. Freedom to explore occurs when a student realizes that he can play with numbers. That numbers can be relational and tell stories. Freedom of understanding means your mind is freed up for higher level thinking. Once you understand the basics, you can move on to weightier topics. Freedom of imagination is offered when students are exposed to wonderful and beautiful possibilities like fractals. Finally freedom of welcome is on offer when a students sees himself as part of a group of similar explorers. He can speak the language and enter the conversation. 

Another value supported by mathematics is community. For those that love math, that find joy in all things relating to math, the study and serious pursuit of mathematics forms a community of like-minded people. Contrary to the stereotype of the lone math geek, math is highly collaborative. However, by its very nature, even math communities can be harsh and competitive environments. Su envisions a hospitable math community, welcoming all comers, rejecting stereotypes and a narrow focus on achievement. He sees it as being made up of people like himself, who love math and just want to share that joy with other.

Finally, math can be a vehicle for the highest value of all, love. While mathematics can be a beautiful thing, it is not the ultimate thing. Su found himself struggling when he encountered a setback studying for his doctorate. Discouraged, he couldn't even muster up a desire to continue to pursue math. But in the meantime, he was tutoring undergraduates in math. This brought him back to the core, to the most important value, love. Not love of mathematics, or the use of mathematics to study love, but love for his fellow humans being expressed through and because of mathematics. "To love is to give the gift of play and exploration, to grow in a desire for truth and beauty, to bestow creative power on another human being by showing them mathematics. To love someone is to set them free, not just in their heart, soul, and strength, but also in their minds." (p. 206)

I would highly recommend this book. It was an easy and enjoyable read. The puzzles at the end and the stories of his correspondence with Christopher alone almost make it worth it. Francis Su is a wonderful story teller and he invites us to love what he loves for the sake of loving people. That is beautiful.

White Guilt by Shelby Steele

I had been wanting to read White Guilt by Shelby Steele for some time. The racial unrest of 2020 provided an opportunity for me to revisit this desire. 

I am so glad I read this book. Originally written in 2006, its thesis had aged well and therefore has the authority of truth. 

Steele argues that after whites acknowledged their horrific wrongs vis-a-vis treatment of black fellow citizens, an implicit agreement was made: in exchange for a chance to regain the moral authority lost, whites would work to level the playing field for blacks as well as the outcomes, while blacks need only wait for whites to serve them. This explosive concept, that white guilt motivates whites and indulges and infantilizes blacks, is so radically different from the current narrative that it shocks the conscious. Yet it hold up well as an explanation for our current situation. 

Steele weaves his own autobiography of growing up in segregated Chicago into the broader narrative of what went wrong. He saw first-hand his parents struggle in the non-violent protests of Martin Luther King, their stunning victory, the legal reforms, and the inability of many blacks to take their winnings and create successful lives for themselves. The rapidity of whites acknowledgement of their failure simply stunned blacks into a place of not exactly knowing what to do. After you have vanquished the foe, then what? Steele argues that is the time for blacks to take responsibility for their own lives and for whites to treat blacks as autonomous fellow citizens. 

The opposite happened. 

Steele is a perfect example. In college, after seeing his parents model famously succeed, he turned to radical black power movements. As he analyzes his inappropriate anger, he comes to the conclusion that blacks, fearful of the prospective of finally being able to live free, lashed out. "Anger is acted out by the oppressed only when real weakness is perceived in the oppressor. So anger is never automatic or even inevitable for the oppressed; it is chosen when weakness in the oppressor means it will be effective in winning freedom or justice or spoils of some kind. Anger in the oppressed is a response to perceived opportunity, not injustice. And expressions of anger escalate not with more injustice but with less injustice." (p. 21) It's too much; Freedom is overwhelming. Worried about not being able to succeed on their own merits, black decided to demand more and more from a guilty nation. When more did not prove enough, rage resulted. 

After college, Steele went to work administering the very plans he and his fellow blacks had demanded. It was this experience that convinced him that black success did not lie in whites' hands. You cannot give a person success. He must earn it. He noticed black rejected the help, instead preferring riots and destruction. He saw an almost direct correlation between the amount of white guilt and black's demands. The more white guilt, the less blacks demanded of themselves. This explains why so much of the protests centered on college campuses. The white guilt displayed by the university administration invited protests. 

Steele sums up his thesis: "Black America faced two options. We could seize on the great freedom we had just won in the civil rights victories and advance through education, skill development, and entrepreneurialism combined with an unbending assault on any continuing discrimination; or we could go after these things indirectly by pressuring the society that it wronged us into taking the lion's share of responsibility in resurrecting us. The new black militancy that exploded everywhere in the late 60s – and that came to the find a strategy for black advancement for the next four decades — grew out of black America‘s complete embrace of the latter option." (p. 58)

Steele tells a hypothetical and yet heart-breaking story of a young black boy. As a student, he is pardoned for poor grades. White racism after all explains his failure. His education is dumbed down and expectations on him plummet. Yet outside the schoolroom window is a basketball court. He knows his failure to prove his bona fides on the court will provoke ridicule and estrangement. Therefore, given the choice between homework or free throw practice, he knows where to put his efforts. He is expected to prove himself through his efforts on the court. He is not expected to prove himself through his efforts in the classroom. As an interesting aside, we can see that where blacks are given the least amounts of hand outs and the most expectation of meritocratic behavior, they will succeed in a dramatic fashion. The black community has proven time and again, that unleashed from white, debilitating "help" they are capable of amazing achievement.

"The greatest black problem in America today is freedom. All underdeveloped, formally oppressed groups first experience new freedom as a shock and humiliation because freedom shows them they’re underdevelopment and their inability to compete as equals. Freedom seems to confirm all the ugly stereotypes about the group – especially the charge of inferiority – and yet the group no longer has the excuse of oppression. Without oppression – and it must be acknowledged the blacks are no longer oppressed in America – the group itself becomes automatically responsible for its inferiority and non-competitiveness. So freedom not only comes as a humiliation but also as an overwhelming burden of responsibility. Thus, inevitably, there is a retreat from freedom." (p. 67)

With crushing accuracy, Steele states, "How could a people that has survived centuries of slavery and segregation — through ingenuity, imagination, and great courage — get this confused, this alienated from man’s most elemental power: responsibility? Because freedom scared the hell out of us – our first true fall, our first true loss of innocence – and because there was nothing less than a locomotive of white guilt coming our way and hungering to prop us up in our every illusion. White guilt has wanted nothing more than to confuse our relationship to responsibility, to have us feel responsibility as an injustice, a continuation of our oppression. It exploited our tear of freedom and precisely the same way that plantation owners once exploited our labor. Whites needed responsibility for our problems in order to gain their own moral authority and legitimacy. So they set about — once again – to exploit us, to encourage and even nurture our illusions, to steal responsibility from us, to take advantage of our backwardness just as slave traders had once done on the west coast of Africa. Suddenly, in the age of white guilt, we were gold again." (p. 69)

Steele analogizes his own coming of age as a teenager to the surrounding cultural circumstances. Like most teenagers, he rebelled against his parents. Although he believes that most rebellious children are secretly safe in the knowledge that their parents are actually right and actually know the best way forward, blacks "came of age" when the "parents" (whites) were actually wrong. When a teenager confronts an actually guilty parent, that will likely result in more teenaged rebellion. After all, by what moral authority does a guilty parent tell a youngster what to do? And not only does the guilt of the parent seem to absolve the child of any moral responsibility for his own life, when the guilty parent indulges the child's rage and entitlement mentality, the teenager will never learn to be responsible. In order to assuage their own guilt, whites were perfectly willing to indulge a recalcitrant black population. 

Not only did whites lose the moral authority granted them by the idea of white supremacy, whites lost the authority to promote any values that might be heralded by whites in general. "Whites also lost a degree of they authority to stand proudly for the values and ideas the had made the West a great civilization despite its many evils." (p. 109) Whites could not demand of blacks the same things they would demand of their own children. It seemed too white to demand responsibility and hard work. Even the Smithsonian has recently stated these timeless values that lead to successful people are vestiges of white supremacy. Therefore blacks were denied the very tools that would help them succeed. And when they failed, as many inevitably did, that was seen a further failure of whites to provide for blacks. Therefore the cycle of poverty began. Whites refused to provide blacks with the tools necessary for success and provided material resources instead. Blacks failed. Whites beat themselves up for their failure and provided more material resources and fewer tools. Not once did whites stop to think that maybe their "help" was actually hurting, because the "help" provided did double duty: it avoided "blaming the victim" and it assuaged white guilt. Win-win.

Yet it is not a win for blacks. It keeps them perpetually at the mercy of the very people said to be oppressing them. Never are blacks told to use their freedom to achieve their own success. Through the exploitation of, and desire to alleviate, white guilt, blacks are kept in a perpetually inferior condition. 

"So post 60s American liberalism preserves the old racist hierarchy of whites over blacks as virtue itself; and it grants all white who identify with it a new superiority. In effect, it says you are morally superior to other whites and intellectually superior to blacks. The white liberals reward is this feeling that because he is heir to the knowledge of the West, yet morally enlightened beyond the West's former bigotry, he is really a 'new man,' a better man than the world has seen before." (p. 148) This perfectly aligns with C.S. Lewis' observation, “Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.”

The tragedy of this new focus on alleviating white guilt produced an obsession with "disassociation." No longer could whites defend time-honored principles because these were now associated with racism. The "good" white must disassociate himself from all vestiges of the past no matter how proven or principled. We see this today in the tearing down of statues, even of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln. We joke they are not sufficiently "woke." In reality, they represent a world of insufficient white guilt. They, in their own fallen and flawed ways, advocated principles, that however virtuous, are tainted by the vices of their spokesmen. Therefore the principles must be thrown out with the people. The more a white person "disassociates" from the past the more virtuous. The actual virtuosity of this "new man" is completely meaningless. 

What is Steele's recommendation now? He advocates the hard work of reclaiming timeless values for all men despite the taint given them by imperfect humans. He says we must see each other as individuals and not members of a group. We, in fact, must see each other, really see each other. For too long we have treated each other as means to an end. Whether it's more spoils or more virtue, we have used each other for our own gain. It must end. 

However, with the recent spate of racial unrest, the country is moving in exactly the opposite direction. When "Top CEOs Vow to Hire 1 million Black Americans" screams from the headlines, we can see we are treating humans as things to me manipulated. Objects to be moved around at the will of white Americans. 

Some, who agree with Steele, see hope for pushback against this mentality. Steele himself says it puts the Right in the enviable position of defending equality and liberty, easy sells. However, I think the forces that push fallen humans to "prove" they are good people apart from Jesus' sacrifice are simply too strong. As long as people can buy cheap grace by offering blacks crumbs, they will jump at the chance. The fact that it keeps blacks infantilized and will never end the "virtue" cycle is irrelevant. As long as whites can convince themselves that they are the good guys, they will continue to oppress and lord over blacks, in the name of helping. The impulses of racism remain. It is just dressed in fancier finery.

 

How We Love Our Kids by Milan & Kay Yerkovich

A friend had recommended this book after the original, How We Love had made such a difference in her marriage. This companion book on parenting, How We Love Our Kids by Milan & Kay Yerkovich, also helped in her relationship with her daughter.

It was an easy read, and well-worth reading. I would not say it changed anything in my life, but it did help me recognize my parenting pattern and the possible pitfalls. 

Milan and Kay Yerkovich have identified five styles of loving others: 

The Avoider

The Pleaser

The Vacillator

The Controller

The Victim

Each of these stem from what the parent, herself, was raised with as well as her own experiences. These styles in turn influence the behavior of the child. In many, if not most, cases, the Yerkovichs believe that problems that children are exhibiting are actually a reaction to one or more of the parenting styles. How we parent is rarely a conscientious choice, it is rather, the confluence of events that make us who we are as humans. However, the Yerkovichs believe we cannot end the story there, but must identify our personal style in order to address the resulting issues that arise between the parent and the child. 

Directly from the book:

AVOIDER ASSESSMENT 

• It seems my spouse has more emotional needs than I do. 

• What is upsetting to my spouse or kids seems like no big deal to me. 

• My childhood was fine, but I don't have many memories from my upbringing, let alone positive ones of receiving comfort. 

• I'm independent and self-reliant, and those are values I've worked to pass on to my kids. 

• I would rather work on a project alone than sit and have a long conversation with someone. 

• I've been told I don't show enough affection. 

• When something bad happens, I get over it and move on. 

• If a kid is upset, I reassure her with, “You're fine." 

• I tend to guard my space and feel annoyed when I'm required to spend a lot of time and attention on family matters. 

• I like to make decisions on my own. 

• When someone is very emotional, I find a way to escape, especially if they think I'm supposed to help. I don't like tears and lots of emotion. 

• In my family growing up, everyone pretty much did his own thing and kept to himself. 

• I have siblings with whom I have little or no contact today. 

• I have never felt particularly close to my parents. 

• Nothing gets me too bothered or upset. 

If you identified with this assessment, congratulations. You're that much closer to being a better parent. And you might want to thank your kids for helping you to grow and recognize yourself better. But let me assure you, avoiders have positive traits too. They raise responsible kids who are often extremely accomplished and uncommonly resourceful. You can learn to balance your focus on achievement as you expand your ability to connect emotionally. Your kids will benefit and so will you. 

PLEASER ASSESSMENT 

• I'm usually the giver in relationships. 

• I'm a peacemaker and peacekeeper. 

• I anticipate my spouse's needs and meet them. 

• Sometimes I'm dishonest to avoid conflict. 

• I fear making my spouse or kids upset or angry. 

• I tend to give in to get conflict over with. 

• I don't like to be alone. 

• It really upsets me if someone is mad at me. 

• When someone requests help, I usually say yes and get overcommitted. 

• I tried hard to win a critical or angry parent's approval. 

• Sometimes I get mad, but I don't show it, and I smile a lot. 

• I had a parent who never stood up for himself, but passively  accepted poor treatment.  

• When I sense others distancing, I try harder. 

• I'm on the cautious side; I definitely wouldn't call myself a  risk-taker. 

• I had an overprotective parent who worried a lot. 

• I crave reassurance and affirmation from others. 

VACILLATOR ASSESSMENT 

• No one has ever really understood what I need. 

• I fall in love instantly, and my relationships are initially intense and passionate, but they never last. 

• I always hope for great relationships, but everyone disappoints me. Some people try to make amends, but it's always too little, too late. 

• I'm a very passionate person, and I feel things more deeply than others. 

• I know far more about being a good parent than my spouse does. 

• I could describe many examples of how I've been hurt and disappointed, and I often feel unappreciated by my spouse and kids. I can always sense when others pull away from me. 

• I want far more connection than I have currently. 

• I love the feeling of making up after a fight. 

• When people hurt me long enough, I write them off. 

• If my spouse would pursue me more, things would be better. 

• I don't like to be alone, but sometimes having people around makes me worse. 

• My parent(s) still drive me crazy. 

• Sometimes I pick fights, and I'm really not sure why. 

• I make it obvious when I'm hurt, and it's only worse when no one asks what's wrong. 

• I'm always waiting for people to be available, and I wonder if they've forgotten me. 

• I'm convinced I have the ability to read people really well and quickly judge their motives and intentions before they even speak. 

CONTROLLER ASSESSMENT 

• Growing up, a parent or sibling threatened me, intimidated me, or was violent with me. 

• No one protected me when I was growing up; I was on my own for the most part. 

• My spouse and kids do things behind my back and that infuriates me. 

• I dislike authority and feel angry when others tell me what to do or ignore what I tell them to do. 

• I tend to use alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling, or overspending to feel good. 

• My life has had its share of problems, so I'm under more stress than most people. 

• I try to control my temper, but it's hard not to let it out. 

• My spouse does things to make me jealous. 

• I know my family doesn't like me losing my temper, but they shouldn't make me so angry. 

• I have hit, slapped, or pushed my spouse or kids, or I have come close to it. 

• I've changed jobs frequently. 

• By the time I was a teenager, people knew not to mess with me. 

• I left home early, and some family members were afraid of me. 

• My spouse and kids don't listen when I ask them to do things. 

Controllers enter adulthood believing childhood is behind them, but therapists call these “unresolved issues” for good reason. Most chaotic adults don't want to touch their childhood memories with a ten-foot pole. And who can blame them? How do you begin to resolve the enormous amount of unresolved, unprocessed hurt and pain when there's little to no feeling left? It's all been stuffed down—all the powerlessness, fear, grief, and shame—and they're completely out of touch with what's now happening to their own children. 

And so the nightmare continues. 

If there is to be growth, hope, and real change, the controller needs someone with a lot of compassion, persistence, and courage. The kind they've never known, likely never even seen in real life. This is often the only way to get at the heart of the issue. If it takes the help of a spouse, a therapist, or a psychiatrist, the controller with the best chance is the one convinced he needs to compassionately face his past. 

VICTIM ASSESSMENT 

• People in my family struggled with outbursts of anger, violence, addictions, and abuse. 

• I try to keep my mate from knowing certain things, to prevent him from becoming angry. 

• I have been in and stayed in destructive relationships. 

• I get depressed and anxious, which makes it hard for me to cope as a parent. 

• I'm loyal even when others are probably exploiting me. 

• For most of my life, I've felt unworthy and unlovable. 

• Sometimes I'm far off, and I feel detached and disengaged. 

• Sometimes I find myself not paying attention to my children. 

• My parents had drug and alcohol problems. 

• One of my parents was abusive, the other passive. 

• Growing up, I functioned as the parent. 

• My spouse mistreats me, but I stay because it would be horrible to be alone. 

• I was physically, emotionally, or sexually abused during my childhood—or saw these things happen to other people. 

• I get nervous when things are calm, and I anxiously wait for the anger to come. 

• When my spouse is unkind to our children, I feel powerless to do anything about it. 

• Sometimes I feel life isn't worth living. 

• I don't let myself cry, because if I started, I'd never stop. 

If you see yourself or someone you know in this assessment, be encouraged. There's hope for recovery! Some of the nicest, most wonderful people in the world are victims, and we have met and known many such people. Incredibly sweet and compliant, there are few who try harder than the victim to do things right. 

While the Yerkovichs acknowledge that no one fits neatly into any single category, we all have styles to which we tend to default. For me personally, I think I fall most into the Avoider, with some Vacillator thrown in. This was helpful to me because I realized that there are things I am doing as a parent, that my children pick up on, and therefore respond in certain ways. By being an Avoider, it means the hard conversations never happen and so a child can feel misunderstood and unappreciated. 

I'm glad I read the book, but I think it would have been even more helpful when I first became a parent.