How We Love Our Kids by Milan & Kay Yerkovich

A friend had recommended this book after the original, How We Love had made such a difference in her marriage. This companion book on parenting, How We Love Our Kids by Milan & Kay Yerkovich, also helped in her relationship with her daughter.

It was an easy read, and well-worth reading. I would not say it changed anything in my life, but it did help me recognize my parenting pattern and the possible pitfalls. 

Milan and Kay Yerkovich have identified five styles of loving others: 

The Avoider

The Pleaser

The Vacillator

The Controller

The Victim

Each of these stem from what the parent, herself, was raised with as well as her own experiences. These styles in turn influence the behavior of the child. In many, if not most, cases, the Yerkovichs believe that problems that children are exhibiting are actually a reaction to one or more of the parenting styles. How we parent is rarely a conscientious choice, it is rather, the confluence of events that make us who we are as humans. However, the Yerkovichs believe we cannot end the story there, but must identify our personal style in order to address the resulting issues that arise between the parent and the child. 

Directly from the book:

AVOIDER ASSESSMENT 

• It seems my spouse has more emotional needs than I do. 

• What is upsetting to my spouse or kids seems like no big deal to me. 

• My childhood was fine, but I don't have many memories from my upbringing, let alone positive ones of receiving comfort. 

• I'm independent and self-reliant, and those are values I've worked to pass on to my kids. 

• I would rather work on a project alone than sit and have a long conversation with someone. 

• I've been told I don't show enough affection. 

• When something bad happens, I get over it and move on. 

• If a kid is upset, I reassure her with, “You're fine." 

• I tend to guard my space and feel annoyed when I'm required to spend a lot of time and attention on family matters. 

• I like to make decisions on my own. 

• When someone is very emotional, I find a way to escape, especially if they think I'm supposed to help. I don't like tears and lots of emotion. 

• In my family growing up, everyone pretty much did his own thing and kept to himself. 

• I have siblings with whom I have little or no contact today. 

• I have never felt particularly close to my parents. 

• Nothing gets me too bothered or upset. 

If you identified with this assessment, congratulations. You're that much closer to being a better parent. And you might want to thank your kids for helping you to grow and recognize yourself better. But let me assure you, avoiders have positive traits too. They raise responsible kids who are often extremely accomplished and uncommonly resourceful. You can learn to balance your focus on achievement as you expand your ability to connect emotionally. Your kids will benefit and so will you. 

PLEASER ASSESSMENT 

• I'm usually the giver in relationships. 

• I'm a peacemaker and peacekeeper. 

• I anticipate my spouse's needs and meet them. 

• Sometimes I'm dishonest to avoid conflict. 

• I fear making my spouse or kids upset or angry. 

• I tend to give in to get conflict over with. 

• I don't like to be alone. 

• It really upsets me if someone is mad at me. 

• When someone requests help, I usually say yes and get overcommitted. 

• I tried hard to win a critical or angry parent's approval. 

• Sometimes I get mad, but I don't show it, and I smile a lot. 

• I had a parent who never stood up for himself, but passively  accepted poor treatment.  

• When I sense others distancing, I try harder. 

• I'm on the cautious side; I definitely wouldn't call myself a  risk-taker. 

• I had an overprotective parent who worried a lot. 

• I crave reassurance and affirmation from others. 

VACILLATOR ASSESSMENT 

• No one has ever really understood what I need. 

• I fall in love instantly, and my relationships are initially intense and passionate, but they never last. 

• I always hope for great relationships, but everyone disappoints me. Some people try to make amends, but it's always too little, too late. 

• I'm a very passionate person, and I feel things more deeply than others. 

• I know far more about being a good parent than my spouse does. 

• I could describe many examples of how I've been hurt and disappointed, and I often feel unappreciated by my spouse and kids. I can always sense when others pull away from me. 

• I want far more connection than I have currently. 

• I love the feeling of making up after a fight. 

• When people hurt me long enough, I write them off. 

• If my spouse would pursue me more, things would be better. 

• I don't like to be alone, but sometimes having people around makes me worse. 

• My parent(s) still drive me crazy. 

• Sometimes I pick fights, and I'm really not sure why. 

• I make it obvious when I'm hurt, and it's only worse when no one asks what's wrong. 

• I'm always waiting for people to be available, and I wonder if they've forgotten me. 

• I'm convinced I have the ability to read people really well and quickly judge their motives and intentions before they even speak. 

CONTROLLER ASSESSMENT 

• Growing up, a parent or sibling threatened me, intimidated me, or was violent with me. 

• No one protected me when I was growing up; I was on my own for the most part. 

• My spouse and kids do things behind my back and that infuriates me. 

• I dislike authority and feel angry when others tell me what to do or ignore what I tell them to do. 

• I tend to use alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling, or overspending to feel good. 

• My life has had its share of problems, so I'm under more stress than most people. 

• I try to control my temper, but it's hard not to let it out. 

• My spouse does things to make me jealous. 

• I know my family doesn't like me losing my temper, but they shouldn't make me so angry. 

• I have hit, slapped, or pushed my spouse or kids, or I have come close to it. 

• I've changed jobs frequently. 

• By the time I was a teenager, people knew not to mess with me. 

• I left home early, and some family members were afraid of me. 

• My spouse and kids don't listen when I ask them to do things. 

Controllers enter adulthood believing childhood is behind them, but therapists call these “unresolved issues” for good reason. Most chaotic adults don't want to touch their childhood memories with a ten-foot pole. And who can blame them? How do you begin to resolve the enormous amount of unresolved, unprocessed hurt and pain when there's little to no feeling left? It's all been stuffed down—all the powerlessness, fear, grief, and shame—and they're completely out of touch with what's now happening to their own children. 

And so the nightmare continues. 

If there is to be growth, hope, and real change, the controller needs someone with a lot of compassion, persistence, and courage. The kind they've never known, likely never even seen in real life. This is often the only way to get at the heart of the issue. If it takes the help of a spouse, a therapist, or a psychiatrist, the controller with the best chance is the one convinced he needs to compassionately face his past. 

VICTIM ASSESSMENT 

• People in my family struggled with outbursts of anger, violence, addictions, and abuse. 

• I try to keep my mate from knowing certain things, to prevent him from becoming angry. 

• I have been in and stayed in destructive relationships. 

• I get depressed and anxious, which makes it hard for me to cope as a parent. 

• I'm loyal even when others are probably exploiting me. 

• For most of my life, I've felt unworthy and unlovable. 

• Sometimes I'm far off, and I feel detached and disengaged. 

• Sometimes I find myself not paying attention to my children. 

• My parents had drug and alcohol problems. 

• One of my parents was abusive, the other passive. 

• Growing up, I functioned as the parent. 

• My spouse mistreats me, but I stay because it would be horrible to be alone. 

• I was physically, emotionally, or sexually abused during my childhood—or saw these things happen to other people. 

• I get nervous when things are calm, and I anxiously wait for the anger to come. 

• When my spouse is unkind to our children, I feel powerless to do anything about it. 

• Sometimes I feel life isn't worth living. 

• I don't let myself cry, because if I started, I'd never stop. 

If you see yourself or someone you know in this assessment, be encouraged. There's hope for recovery! Some of the nicest, most wonderful people in the world are victims, and we have met and known many such people. Incredibly sweet and compliant, there are few who try harder than the victim to do things right. 

While the Yerkovichs acknowledge that no one fits neatly into any single category, we all have styles to which we tend to default. For me personally, I think I fall most into the Avoider, with some Vacillator thrown in. This was helpful to me because I realized that there are things I am doing as a parent, that my children pick up on, and therefore respond in certain ways. By being an Avoider, it means the hard conversations never happen and so a child can feel misunderstood and unappreciated. 

I'm glad I read the book, but I think it would have been even more helpful when I first became a parent.